Paying close attention

there are blessings in waiting

I wasn’t sure what to write this week. Almost to the point of writing nothing at all.

Almost.

I’ve been waiting on our baby.

I’ve learned more than I thought I would in this thick brush of waiting. I’ve studied every moment. Each day passes very, very slowly. And I’ve noticed everything. Nothing goes past me without catching my attention.

I’ve noted every twitch, pain, cramp, or urge that’s risen up in my body, taking everything in account. Wondering — Is this it? I’ve never been so keenly aware of exactly how I physically feel at every waking moment. Paying such close attention to my human-ness.

I’ve payed close attention to every passing moment with my husband. Wondering if it’s our last with just the two of us. Soaking up how our relationship is, right now, knowing it won’t be like this ever again.

I’ve payed such close attention to the quietness of our house, the stillness, the free time on my hands, the moments all to myself.

It’s been easy to get frustrated in the waiting — in the noticing of everything. But I have begun to lean into it. Learning life is so much bigger, wider, and fuller when I pay close attention. The days are long rather than short blips. Time feels more on my side rather than something slipping through my fingers.

There’s something to be found in each moment. I’m beginning to think those somethings are worth paying attention to — They are worth finding.

It’s all too easy to let life rush by. There are blessings in waiting — Being forced to slow down, notice, take everything in. Waiting of any kind causes us to change our pace which in turn, changes our view.

I’m currently appreciating my view. The stillness of the nursery, the quiet time spent reading book after book, the slow neighborhood walks with just my husband and I, the daydreaming of who this little person is.

Leaning into the waiting rather than fighting it — Knowing it will all come to pass one day and one day soon.

Until then, I’ll be waiting and paying close attention.

— Jak

• Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg

• Bel Canto by Ann Patchett