Prayers from a chronic people pleaser
Prayers from a chronic people pleaser
learning to be rawly human
There is profanity in being rawly human nowadays.
We have become trained to filter, tweak, and perfect even the smallest details of ourselves. Every part of us must be ready to be seen. Our dwellings, personalities, physical appearances, what we do, or more-so, what we say we do when we are prompted. Everything must be well-thought-of, orchestrated, and ready to be presented and perceived. And by doing these preparations, we hope we may be lucky enough to control the narrative of how we will be perceived. Not to spoil the ending, but we can never control how others think of us.
What an exhausting existence. What a squandered way of living.
The counter-culture of today’s picture-perfect society is raw humanity. How daring to show you’re human? To show up messy, afraid, unsure, or even to show up unbothered. Unbothered by the thoughts and perceptions of others — What a freeing thing. But also, what a difficult thing to achieve. (For me, at least.)
My favorite people on Earth are people who are unashamedly themselves. The kind of people that have a what-you-see-is-what-you-get thing about them. These people are so firm in themselves, showing up to life isn’t a big deal because there’s no mask or show to put on. Showing up to life isn’t exhausting for them because their mind isn’t racing around trying to guess other people’s thoughts. Always attempting to figure out what other people are thinking of us is so taxing mentally, emotionally, even physically.
And I find that we are so conditioned to do this — Of course, worrying about what others think of us is a tale as old as time. But, social media really didn’t help our case. Because not only do we have to worry about what people think of us IRL (in real life), we also have to worry about how other’s are perceiving us online and if our real-life-selves live up to that perception we’re hoping to create. Phew, I’m tired thinking about it.
And the question is, how do I fix it? If I’m someone that is tormented by how others see me, perceive me, and think of me — How do I heal that? That’s a trillion dollar question because a lot of industries would collapse if suddenly the world’s population stopped caring what others thought of them.
I think worrying about how others perceive us (on and offline) can be rooted in a whole variety of different things. One person’s root system isn’t going to be the same as the next. But, I do believe there is a seed that gets planted that causes these unique root systems to grow and that’s fear of abandonment.
Fear of abandonment then branches into fear of rejection, fear of never being good enough, fear of being alone, fear of conflict, fear of harm, and the list goes on. And now, the chronic people pleaser is born. The chronic people pleaser who wants everyone to be happy, to like them, to accept them, to love them, to act in a way so that no harm comes to them.
Chronic people pleasers give up what they think and believe about themselves in exchange for what others think about them. We replace our thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and ideals for what we think others would want us to to think, belief, prefer and value. The worst part is, most of the time, we don’t actually know what others want from us — We don’t know what others are thinking of us. So we are merely guessing. It’s a wild, exhausting, no-one-wins goose chase.
The chronic people pleaser doesn’t know how to be rawly human. We don’t know how to show up unfiltered and unafraid. And I’m so drawn to people who can. I envy people who float through the room in their own little world, not bothered by thoughts that can’t be seen. Untouched by the invisible thought-bubbles in the room.
I strive to be unbothered, unfiltered and profanely human. I’m a God-fearing woman but I know that I fear man too. And uprooting the fear of man is no easy task. Uprooting it means healing — healing parts that don’t like to be seen. Healing parts that hurt when the light touches them. But I’m actively knocking on that door of healing daily and that feels like something.
I’m a big believer in bringing attention to our wounds. Self-awareness is a heck of a thing. It’s the beginning when it comes to healing. And when we can start noticing ourselves, catching ourselves in the act, we can then begin to implement change. We can start to live life manually rather than on autopilot from past hurts and the conditioning that is accompanied by those hurts.
I pray as recovering people pleasers and thought-guessers, we start to dig down and pull up those root systems. I pray for stronger foundations for ourselves, foundations made of rock that don’t quiver at the footsteps of men. I pray that the fear of abandonment has no place in our hearts any longer — And we accept the perfect love that covers all wounds that’s extended to us. I pray we show up human.
— Jak
